Gone

Things they didn’t tell you when you’re 23. They forgot to mention to you how broken you’re going to get after breaking up a serious relationship you thought it could be your future. They didn’t mention to you the process was so hard, so so hard. You were at the age where still trying to figure everything out, sketching your plan to achieve your goals and now that important person has gone forever in your life, it all becomes drafts that only worth being in a bin.

You try to delete the pictures in your phone but you can’t. Your bed frame used to full of the pictures you both have taken over the years clipping with fairy lights and each time that you see them, it breaks you a little. You tried to get drunk and come home sleeping but when you glanced at those pictures, boy, they made you sober. You cried so much for the first two weeks, your comfort food has no longer work the effects because you know ‘that’s what he would get me every time when I’m sad’. 

And now you grieve. You remove the pictures from your bed frame and keep them in the drawer. But your phone’s wallpaper it’s still the picture of  you and him, taken last summer. You’re no longer crying. You thought you’re in the acceptance phase. And thinking that you’re being mature this time, not acting like a child, drunk calling and crying all time or try to do something to hurt yourself. You act like a grown up facing your problem and go to work, except that you did lost a fair amount of weight but it sure looks better cause that has always been what you want.

You would take out those pictures from your bedside drawer every night, to look at his face, thinking what would he be doing right now and if he’s in the same condition as you are. You wanted to contact him and tell him how your day has been but you know that you’ve lost the privilege to do so. You started going to the dinner/lunch invitations your friend gave you and open up to whatever you’re going through right now. Some are being funny, some are being amazing and some are just… pure idiotic. But you take your chances to express that you wanted to go out and meet people, to your better future and focusing on yourself.

You started going back to gym and taking care of yourself more. There are definitely days where you feel so much better but there are days you just wanted to be home and stay in bed doing nothing. You tell yourself that’s okay cause you’re strong and beautiful,  you can do it. Grievance is always hard, so you keep yourself occupied, you know that you can’t drown into something you’re not, you’ve been doing great so far.

But, will these positivity and encouragement last?