Been occupied, been confused, been in some sort of situations where I didn’t know where I belonged. I was absolutely lost and had no idea at all of what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be and where I wanted to be placed in. It’s all so confusing that I decided to just let the world spin around and take me to where I belong.

Officially 6 months. Hasn’t been easy. It’s hard when you involved yourself so much, mentally and physically into someone and now you have to pull it all out. Been on so many dates, meeting a lot of people but it’s hard when you don’t know if this is going anywhere. You started to get tired of meeting new people, putting up your best self and presenting it to others whom you don’t even know at all. It was all fun when it first started, and that’s fair enough given the fact that you just got out from a relationship that causes you a lot of pain. But, sooner than you realise, you don’t click with anyone easily. It is not that you lost faith or hope in people, or in love. You are just not ready for anything.

I have been binge-watching on Sex and The City series, again. Prolly the second series after Gossip Girl that I have been rewatching over the years since my college days. The reason behind was because of the fantasies you get to live in while you’re watching the show and miraculously boost your confidence throughout the day. Carrie, who is a columnist express herself well throughout the whole show and we know that she has a very serious shoe problem- that she is obsessing over shoes. She writes about sex and men in the New York city so we get to understand how dating life works. There are a different kind of girls out there, and we sometimes wish we could be as cool as Samantha who doesn’t give a f*ck about anyone thinks of her and just have sex with whoever she wants to; and there’s this Miranda who is a lawyer, a tough lady and who knows she ended up falling for her baby’s father; Carrie, her relationship Big has always been on and off; Charlotte, who’s a sophisticated woman who dreams about having a family, lovely husband and children ended up falling for her divorce lawyer whom she never imagined she would be with.

And if you ever wanted to know if you're a Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte or Miranda? Test a quiz here by Buzz Feed: https://www.buzzfeed.com/lyapalater/are-you-a-carrie-samantha-charlotte-or-miranda

As I mentioned, I have dated a few people. From a person who prefers staying home and be alone, it was an eye opened opportunity to see the outside world. It’s different since I last dated and I had a fair amount of fun and disappointing moments (I will explain in further bits). Based on my understanding, people are usually on dating sites to get a ONS and you’re told to not expect too much because half of the time people are looking for a casual relationship and not serious ones. Which was perfectly fine for me, where I was in no position to be in a relationship whatsoever. From years of experience, I have learnt to not rush into a relationship and I should really give it a rest after getting out from one. For the sake of being fair for my future partner and be right to yourself.

However, I have not had to figure all out. I could tell some guys weren’t being serious and didn’t intend to, but also I was absolutely clueless towards another half of the men I was dating. Not sure if I was really out of the dating game too long or the world around me has evolved to a certain level where no one really knows what they are doing or leading anymore. In one of the episodes of Sex and The City, I remembered that there’s this one guy he couldn’t tell the girl face to face breaking up and he did it on a Post-It instead. The girl was mad, and later that night she and her girlfriends bumped into the mates of the guy she dated and she told them about it. The men explained that their dear friend might be too afraid to tell face to face because when a woman is angry and infuriating could be scary, and there’s no good way to break up with someone.

That keeps me thinking. They are not half wrong, and as a woman, I could say that when we are pissed off we could do things that are quite out of our character. However, we do appreciate the honesty of a person whom we were dating, as a form of respect. Understanding how the dating sites work where you could just ghost someone but still checking out their social network, stalking their movements (it’s the new ghosting way now apparently) while you guys only talked for awhile- which is completely fine to me. But, if you have lost interest in a girl or a guy, you should have just been frank about it and tell them the truth. People nowadays seem to have forgotten honesty is the best policy to everything else, that things don’t always go according to plan and that’s okay. That keeps me wonder why are people stop being honest with each other- Is it because we are scared of the truth, or we are just being too pathetic to accept the cold hard truth?

They said men’s and women’s brain function differently. We understand things in a different concept and they said, women, are complicated. We ought to think that guys love playing little games while they’re dating, and women are spending half of their life breaking all those morse codes from men. Some men said they’re easy as ABC, where there is nothing to break at all because they’re built of simplicity. And how are we going to really figure out if a guy is playing mind trick or not? Some of my friends told me guys love being caught in games, wherein this situation women have to play hard to get and guys would love them to bits and appreciate them more, or according to most of the relationship gurus online, such as: you don’t reply the messages instantly; you don’t compliment a guy very often; don’t flirt too much; never have sex on your first date; and rules you have to follow while you’re dating, etc. Or maybe, the compatibility of your horoscopes with the person you’re dating? The second you figured out if he’s the opposite of what you’re supposed to be looking for, you back off even though you liked him a lot?

How did dating become so complicated? Do mind tricks really work? Isn’t love or mutual feeling is enough to get two people to spark and work things out? Have you ever wondered what if we are living in the ’60s where everything was so pure and easy, living in the romantic fantasy like how it was portrayed in Breakfast at Tiffany? Would we really be happy to be lived in that century? Could we accept the fact where girls aren’t supposed to date around and work a job that you really like and live up to your own standards, with the motto of ‘need no men to feed you’? Guess not. Up until today, we women are still struggling to fight for our own rights, let alone to live in that era. We can never be satisfied in the century we are living in and guess that we will have to keep figuring out. Maybe, and perfection is just an overrated lie perfectionist like myself made up because that’s the one thing that keeps us saint and going. Is honesty the best policy in everything? I don’t know. A little lie doesn’t hurt but I myself still prefer honesty because that’s a form of respect (at least to me), as a woman and that makes everything worthwhile.

We are always trying to figure out what is that one thing we really looking for.

And the thing is when you thought you figured it all out, everything crashed together and leaving a mess ball behind.

We thought we are stronger than that, but we are living in constant fear.

It’s not that we lack of sincerity, but people aren’t exactly genuinely enough to show us what they’ve got.

You would know it, because you’ve been in the same mistakes for awhile now and each time you break and fall.

Your fear takes over your mind and you are being reminded that you don’t deserve best of best.

All the positivities you poured out it’s just a disguise from you to another one, or pretending to be strong.

And how many times have people taken granted on you and your ”being strong”  and they always repeat the same sentence over and over again: you’ll be alright.

You stop believing in fairytales, but you crave for one sometimes. You’re a realist but sometimes still wish to be a princess in the realm of wonderfulness.

Humans are pathetic, we are pathetic. We thought we knew, but we don’t.

There is this point of your life you have no idea what you are doing.

You’re basically lost and you refuse to understand and learn more about why and how are you lost.

You decided to go with the flow, for your career, your future, your relationship, your weekends and basically everything else.

Things that had happened probably left a huge impact in your life, and you’re no longer in pain.

Just like the song Six Degree of Separations by The Script, you mourned and you accepted then you move on.

Whoever knows about the incident praise you for being so tough, and they told you that you’ve always been the strongest to handle all the unfortunate events you’ve been in.

You know how to work yourself up and you get better each time after the fallen times.

People don’t get it. You did it because you’re such an arrogant living human who’s constantly pissed at herself.

No matter what happened, you blame everything to yourself and you wallow through it.

And people just love putting expectations on you, but you can’t blame them as you were naturally forced to be an overachiever.

You’re tired but you somehow got into the point where you have this love hate relationship with the achievements you’re getting.

You work yourself up all the time. However, this time the difference is that you don’t know what you’re doing and why you’re doing- because for the first time in your life you actually don’t care to plan things out.

People pressured you in it. All the adults keep on reminding you for who you are and telling you what to do. Some may even trying to take advantages on you because they know you’re desperate to figure things out.

Others would never understand the same way you do. You’re still afraid of people, but you blend in well- every single time.

You don’t deny yourself as a weirdo, you really don’t.

You’re no longer afraid of being in the dark, being confused and being alone.

And that’s how you know, you’re 23.

It’s never easy. 

And then you thought you’ve recovered cause you’ve been doing so damn well. You stopped crying 3 days later and have been keeping your chin up all the time since the break up. You taking care of yourself, eating healthy and keep up your work out routine. You lost tons of weights- those that you’ve been meaning to lose it for awhile but you have this binge eating problem you’re trying to fix. Everything is good, you started going out to all the invitations your friends or colleagues invited you too. You open up yourself and bought some new clothes and make up products.

Everyone tells you that you look amazing now. You look happier. Deep down, you don’t know if it’s true but you live with it, you live through it every single day waking up in the morning staring in the mirror telling yourself ‘I’m f*kin beautiful‘. At some point, you stop caring whatever people think about you, and you dress yourself well. No one could tell you’ve been through hell (except the weight loss and a sharpen chin)/ heartbreak phase. Telling yourself that he doesn’t deserve you to drown in sorrow.

And you think you’re ready. People who knows started teasing you as you should try dating and going out with others. To explore, to see more of this world could offer. Your close friends and colleagues suggested that you should go out with their friends and fun fun part- encouraging you to download dating apps. You struggled for awhile, a few days wondering if you should do it or if  you’re ready for it. 

You did it. You held the big curiosity in you and stepping out for once. To download it, and to actually sitting down working on the strategic game plan. Choosing best 5 pictures from 10k pictures from your picture album over the years, sure it brings back memories- with him and everything else. Next, moving to writing a cool description about yourself.

But, how far are you willing to go?

Things they didn’t tell you when you’re 23. They forgot to mention to you how broken you’re going to get after breaking up a serious relationship you thought it could be your future. They didn’t mention to you the process was so hard, so so hard. You were at the age where still trying to figure everything out, sketching your plan to achieve your goals and now that important person has gone forever in your life, it all becomes drafts that only worth being in a bin.

You try to delete the pictures in your phone but you can’t. Your bed frame used to full of the pictures you both have taken over the years clipping with fairy lights and each time that you see them, it breaks you a little. You tried to get drunk and come home sleeping but when you glanced at those pictures, boy, they made you sober. You cried so much for the first two weeks, your comfort food has no longer work the effects because you know ‘that’s what he would get me every time when I’m sad’. 

And now you grieve. You remove the pictures from your bed frame and keep them in the drawer. But your phone’s wallpaper it’s still the picture of  you and him, taken last summer. You’re no longer crying. You thought you’re in the acceptance phase. And thinking that you’re being mature this time, not acting like a child, drunk calling and crying all time or try to do something to hurt yourself. You act like a grown up facing your problem and go to work, except that you did lost a fair amount of weight but it sure looks better cause that has always been what you want.

You would take out those pictures from your bedside drawer every night, to look at his face, thinking what would he be doing right now and if he’s in the same condition as you are. You wanted to contact him and tell him how your day has been but you know that you’ve lost the privilege to do so. You started going to the dinner/lunch invitations your friend gave you and open up to whatever you’re going through right now. Some are being funny, some are being amazing and some are just… pure idiotic. But you take your chances to express that you wanted to go out and meet people, to your better future and focusing on yourself.

You started going back to gym and taking care of yourself more. There are definitely days where you feel so much better but there are days you just wanted to be home and stay in bed doing nothing. You tell yourself that’s okay cause you’re strong and beautiful,  you can do it. Grievance is always hard, so you keep yourself occupied, you know that you can’t drown into something you’re not, you’ve been doing great so far.

But, will these positivity and encouragement last?

You’re strong, they said.

You always look happy, you don’t seem to be affected by all things around you.

You smiled at them.

You have always been like this, you’re always trying your best to be the most understanding person. 

You understand how others feel and you tolerate them even when you’re hurting.

You keep everything to yourself because you thought you don’t want to burden others when they’ve already been dealing with a lot by themselves hence you got better in hiding your real feeling.

You thought this is the best way to show your love. 

The best way to pour your heart out to those you loved dearly.

Until the day they used that as an advantage to sabotage.

They said you’re strong enough and you will get through it.

You’re the most understanding person in the world sure you will understand.

They said you’re a realist, you don’t dream on the unnecessaries and you know what’s right and what’s wrong.

You’re amazing and that’s why you don’t need anyone to worry about your false doings. 

See, what they don’t know is that you’re strong because you’re in the situation where you have to. 

They forget that you’re also human, you gets hurt, feeling insecure just as much as everyone else’s. 

You need someone who could protect you from all the harm or at least a shoulder to cry on, not taking advantage on you. 

You need someone who tells you that you can shed off the mask while you’re with them and be yourself. 

You need someone to tell you to allow yourself to feel everything and express your feelings whenever you feel like. 

You need someone who makes you feel like home. 

You need someone who asks you about your unrealistic dreams and trying to pamper you little by little to fulfil them. 

You deserve to receive flowers or small surprises from them, letting you know that you’re always on their mind. 

You deserve to be loved by them while you’re on your period, not sitting far away from you because you bleed. 

You deserve to get pissed sometimes when they don’t pay more attention on you.

But, only if you knew.

You were so understanding and he said he loves you so much for that. 

Still, you don’t deserve his attention or be his first priority to hold you tight and never let you go.

Instead, he gives you up easily like how you give up all the socialising just to spend time with him.

You’re just like his hoodies, that he will cling to you when he’s cold and need love but keep you in the dark when he’s warm enough to be on his own.

Only if you knew.